Hoby Milner’s Mariners debut last night got absolutely torched, even with the M’s holding a five-run lead in the bottom of the ninth. While Lázaro Montes grabbed a bunch of headlines for his own first game, we HAVE to talk about Milner’s initial outing for the Emerald City squad. Manager Dan Wilson, in the bottom of the ninth with a comfy five-run cushion, decided to unleash his newest bullpen arm, a journeyman lefty the M’s had just signed to a minor league deal on August 31 after the Cubs released him. Milner got called up on September 1 with the expanded rosters, ready to make his mark. Oh boy, did he ever make a mark.
That Ninth Inning Was A Gut Punch
Milner faced lefty Roman Anthony first. His inaugural pitch as a Mariner was an 85 MPH sinker that held its sink a little too well, and Anthony promptly lined it to center for a single. The next batter, Jahmai Jones, who replaced Mickey Gasper, watched a sweeping 77 MPH pitch sail way outside, then scooped an 86 MPH sinker with “tasteful sink” way over the Green Monster. Just like that, three pitches in, Milner had given up two runs. The rule meant he couldn’t be pulled yet, so he grimaced and dug in against Eli White. He threw a 78 MPH sweeper “a country mile wide,” followed by a 77 MPH pitch “down the pipe” that White politely let go. Then came a 79 MPH outside and low pitch, identified as a changeup by At Bat, and an 80 MPH change outside middle that White shot with deadly intent. Milner somehow survived the exchange, but Wilson was already on the mound. Andrés Muñoz then had to arrive and clean up the mess with four pitches. No dancing off the mound for Hoby tonight. It was an inauspicious start for a guy Seattle was reportedly talking to in the offseason. The good news? The Mariners still pulled out the 9-6 win against Boston.
You Cannot Hurt This Man, Seriously
Now, I’m sure the comments section is raining down all kinds of grief, but you sillies, you’re wasting your words. You think you can hurt Hoby? Please. Hoby has been saddled with a David Hasselhoff-inspired name his entire life. He grew up with the brutal fragility of baseball dreams, seeing his own father, Brian, make his big league debut at 18, play two games, and never return. Hoby was a multiway player in college until a fastball hit him in the eye. He named his cat Darth Kittypuss to make a play on Darth Sidious, for crying out loud. Hoby has raced through streets in a stranger’s car because his organs were failing. This man is on his seventh team in nine seasons, zig-zagging across the country, grinding in the minors for years. He survived Anaheim in 2020. His overhead pictures show a shadow that looks more like a kokopelli than a human pitching. Hoby has never even known a velocity that starts with a 9.
You cannot hurt Hoby. Only Hoby can hurt Hoby. And believe me, he knows it could always be worse. That’s why he’s a perfect Mariner. He’ll be back on the mound. What else would he do?
This article was created with AI assistance and published under Seattle On Tap’s editorial standards. See our Editorial Policy.
Originally reported by Lookout Landing.
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